my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
