Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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