I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
