I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
