I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
