Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
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