I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
