I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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