think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
