Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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