It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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