So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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