so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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