matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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