i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
