Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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