Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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