My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize