just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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