my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
