Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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