i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Shame - the story of my life.
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