fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
