Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
