Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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