OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Who died my cat blue again?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
