Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
