I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
