sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
