I'm lost and stupid without you.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
