if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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