Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
