a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
