just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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