Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
