Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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