Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
where are you?
Hypothermia
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
