I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize