Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
