My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
