there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
