Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
