I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
