my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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