She is in my trunk
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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