nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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