I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
