I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize