From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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