you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
