Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
not ubering you a puppy
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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