Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
