maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
