it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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