i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
