I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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