Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
