Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
