He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
